I’m Permanent
by DementedViper
Summary: SongFic! Slash! Angst! AM Slash Dont Like Dont Read. Simple. "He had seen this before; he knew what it all meant. It was never meant to happen to him, was it? It was so rare and yet...it happened to him" How does he cope with his secret? Rated to be safe


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters. Nor do I own the song Permanent by David Cook**

**Warnings:** LOTS AND LOTS OF ANGST! (Yummy!), Character Death (Sorry), Slash (Could not help myself), Implied one-sided GwenxMerlin, Mentions of Will...uh that is it I think, those who cry easily may need a box of tissues.

**A/N:** My muses went on strike so I do apologize for the lack of updates. I hope that they are back full time now and they should be happy with my new attitude to my life and writing. And the insanity they are paid for their work has been raised. *grumbles*

**A/N2: **This has not been proof read so if you spot any mistakes tell me and I'll try to remember to fix them.

**A/N3:** Do any of you actually read these? Anyway, I have been meaning to write this for a while but I never had the motivation but I had a sudden burst of self-pity, which made me want to write this. I did not mean it to turn out like this or to be this long (just over 5 pages on word written in Times New Roman size 12 – sadly I admit this is the same amount [if not more] of homework I have done so far)

**A/N4: Bold** is the song lyrics. _Italics _is flashbacks or letters. And both, I think, may be used for exaggeration/emphasis.

**A/N5: This switches POV and time but does not say, I hope it is obvious enough, if not deal with it being confusing or ask me questions. **

**A/N6:** ~Holds out box of tissues~

* * *

**I'm Permanent**

He had seen this before; he knew what it all meant. It was never meant to happen to him, was it? It was so rare and yet...it happened to him. They were not going to take this very well, they would try but they would never get anywhere. They were starting to notice, Uther had. The one he had least expected to catch it had, whatever _it_ was for he still did not know himself.

He needed to leave, how could he tell them and watch them hurt? Would it not be better for him to leave, make them think he was unhappy and had gone to live a life he wanted elsewhere? Give them a small chance, of hope, of a happy life, of a hopeful future? He was not vain enough to think their world would stop if he left them but it would defiantly have an impact. Nevertheless, if he left they would soon forget him, could he be forgotten?

Yes.

But how could he leave Gaius? However, if he stayed he would have to tell Arthur as the young prince was starting to question him.

...

Arthur watched Merlin, something was wrong with his manservant he was unusually pale, paler then what was his norm.

"Merlin?" he questioned as his lover jumped from rubbing his face tiredly.

"Yes?"

"Come here please?" Merlin walked over and sat on the bed beside him "please, what is wrong?" he asked softly as he rubbed Merlin's back slowly

"Nothing"

"Merlin you're exhausted and you have barely been up for four hours" Merlin shrugged and lay down, Arthur watched as he quickly drifted off. His tanned hand stroked the dark hair and Arthur sighed, "I wish you would tell me" he whispered and kissed his temple

...

"_Arthur?"_

"_What Merlin?" he groaned teasingly and Merlin laughed lightly_

"_Can you promise me something?"_

"_What is it, my beautiful?" Merlin smiled accepting the loving kiss_

"_Promise me, no matter what, you will love me forever and you will not ever leave me"_

"_Merlin, I promise you with all my heart that I will forever love you, with everything I have. I will never leave you; I will love you...even in death."_

"_And...And promise me...promise me that you will never let me see you cry, never, I __**do not**__ ever want to see you upset, promise to always be happy and smiling...because I love your smile"_

"_I promise" he whispered with a smile and kissed him again_.

...

**Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?  
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry  
And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today  
**

...

The sob passed his lips without his permission and Gaius looked at him with sympathy. The elder man stepped forward and put a hand on his back, rubbing a gentle circle letting him cry into his shoulder. Why did he have to be so damn stubborn? Why could he not just ask for help? However, they should have seen it coming, he _never_ asked for help, even when he needed it and did not know what to do, and it was how he got into so many slightly amusing but dangerous situations.

"Why did he think he was alone!?!" Arthur half-shouted half-screamed, as he turned out of the comfort and punched the wall. He did not deserve comfort.

...

"_Gaius?" He smiled at the horse voice and sat by the sleep mused Merlin. _

"_Are you ok?"_

"_I'm fine" Merlin smiled and slipped a hand into his "Gaius?"_

"_Yes my child?"_

"_If I left, went back to Ealdor I mean, would you miss me?"_

"_Of course I would, you may be trouble but you are the closest I have ever had to a son."_

"_Would you be lonely?"_

"_One is never lonely in Camelot, let alone the Royal Court. Why these questions Merlin?"_

"_I think I want to go back home soon" he smiled "I like it here and all, but I...I miss mother and I have some things I should have said to Will." Merlin smiled and he stroked his hair. _

"_I will always be here if you need me, now you look tired so get some rest."Merlin nodded and he sat at his side, not needing long until his charge was asleep._

...

**Will you think that you're all alone  
When no one's there to hold your hand?  
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head  
I'm permanent.**

...

Uther watched his son eat; well he doubted it could be called eating. After all, to eat food one had to place food in ones mouth, chew it and swallow it. Eating was not pushing the food that had been served around the plate whilst trying to hold back anger and tears. His young son should have never gone through this; he had gone through it with Igraine. Arthur was angry with himself and upset for his servant. Whilst Uther had not agreed with the closeness of the two he had acknowledged that his son was happy and they did each other good.

Watching, even for him, who had little if any love for the clumsy servant, had been difficult because it was painfully obvious that the man had been desperate and in a bad place, unable to make up his mind on what he should do, whilst trying to protect his friends and family from whatever was wrong.

Uther sighed; he knew what Arthur was thinking and knew what Merlin would say.

...

"_Boy?" He asked and watched the teen jump_

"_Yes Sire?"Merlin asked obediently _

"_I wish you would talk to my son, he is rather worried for you."_

"_He should not be Sire, I am fine, I am happy, I would not want to swop my life for anyone else's, with anyone else. Thank you for your concern"_

"_I do not concern myself with servants, merely my son who for some reason wishes to be in the shoes of his ill servant" he watched the pale boy tense _

"_I am not ill Sire, and if I was I would not want anyone to take my place" The servant swayed so he sat the boy down and eyed him as he closed his eyes in the candle light he could see the sweat that coated Merlin's face and neck, plastering greasy hair to his head._

...

**I know he`s living in hell every single day  
And so I ask, oh god is there some way for me to take his place  
And when they say it's all touch and go I wish I could make it go away  
But still you say.**

...

Merlin sighed as he looked at the parchment resting on his book waiting to be written on, beside him Arthur slept and Merlin struggled not to drift off. He had to finish. This was how it was supposed to be. He dipped the quill in some ink and turned the quill to the page.

_To Arthur and all those dear to me, _

_I know you have all noticed something has been off with me lately. I must apologize for not involving any of you but I did not want to be the cause of so much hurt that I could see should I tell you. _

_I started a good number of months back, before you all started to notice. Perhaps when Lancelot was here? I have only seen it happen once before, back in Ealdor. It was Will's mother, she started to tall my mother about some aches and pains, we all thought it nothing but ageing joints, but we were wrong. As months past she became worse, she would fall asleep during washing and we could never get the cut to heal. She became pale and irritated, sleeping at any time no matter where she stood. She complained of a lump under her arm, a similar lump to which I have found, after 8 months she was dead, died in her sleep. We had tried everything we had known of and nothing had helped, so I knew it was pointless to tell you. _

_If you are reading this, I have left or I am dead, I wish I die in my sleep much like she did. I want all of you to try to keep your promises, as I will do mine, try not to get sad or lonely, remember to live and love. I do not have much but I wish Arthur, my life and my love, to have the book Gaius gave me along with everything else, accept six things. These six things are the things in a box under my bed; you will be able to work out what is for you. These things are to go to my mother, Morgana, Gwen, Gaius, Uther and Lancelot. _

_Mother – I love you and I always have, I always will. You may have never told me who my father was, but you were always there, laughing at the trouble Will and I got into, crying when I cried and being there to cheer me up. I do not wish for you to be sad, you deserve to find another man, one who will love you and keep you as you should be kept. I am sorry that I never saw you one last time, if I could have made the journey I would have. I love you. Please do not mourn me too much. _

_Morgana – My dear sweet princess, you were a sister to me, you were there to let me cry when Arthur was an oblivious prat and you made me smile, you made my stay in Camelot worth every tear we shed be they from sorrow or laughter. Live on, do not marry Arthur for the sake of it, and find a noble man who is worth your beauty, no offence Arthur. _

_Guinevere – I know I broke your heart, maybe even twice, you were a second sister and the person who welcomed me I will never forget that, thank you. Look after yourself and the others, I will look after your mother and father. _

_Uther – Sire, I know you never did like me. Part of me suspects that you could sense my magic, that is right I am, was a warlock. However, my magic was only ever used for the protection of Arthur and Camelot...ok and maybe some of the avoided accidents. Love your son and take care of him for me even if you did not agree about us. Tell him the truth and led him to his path of a great king who is just and fair. _

_Gaius - you are the father I never had and I thank you for that, even if you did find amusement in the mishaps that caused me trouble. I do not know what else I can say to you other then look after yourself and please do not be lonely, look after 'The Children' and yes as grown men you and Uther should be ashamed of that conversation. Thank you for holding my hand._

_Lancelot – you may have only known me a short while but your destiny will be great, you shall have your dream of knighthood and you shall have the family you dream of, I entrust the protection of Arthur to your hands. Also, when destiny takes you there you will find something vital for Arthur in a place that will became that of great legend. Make history and have fun my friend. _

_Arthur – I have left you until last for the reason I do not want to say good bye, I love you. Moreover, as I write this I feel myself getting weaker, I am watching you sleep and you look so peaceful. Thank you for showing me love, thank you for risking everything for me. Please keep your promises and please do not be angry or upset with me. I know this is all dreadfully sappy and you are most likely cursing me but I do love you, please move on for me, become great have a family, and continue the Pendragon line. I love you with my heart and soul, and I hope you do not hate me for a little surprise that I have in store, even though it will be a few years until you find it out. Live for me my love. _

_None of you are alone, you all have each other. I will never leave you as long as you remember me, for those memories, good and bad are what make me permanent. _

_Forever_

_Merlin._

Merlin coughed as quietly as he could into his hand as he finished his letter. He was tired and he could taste blood in his mouth. He smiled down at his lover and kissed his temple.

"Rest well" he whispered before curling up, ignoring the spilling ink and the crumpling of the paper. He smiled as he drifted off safe and secure in Arthur's arms.

...

**Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?  
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head  
I'm permanent  
I'm permanent **

...

Arthur looked at the body that had been cleaned and prepared; he was half wrapped ready to be pushed out to sea, receiving the burial of a Royal, as he should for being Arthurs love. Slowly tears fell down his face and landed on the cold and blue face of Merlin. The same face Arthur had woken up to find splashed with ink but still calm and peaceful.

"Rest well" he kissed the blue lips and sobbed before allowing his father to pull him close.

...

**Is the moment where I look you in the eye?  
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry**

...

"Father?" blue eyes looked down to the darker blue of his son.

"Yes Emrys?" Arthur asked putting his arm around his shoulders as they looked out across the salty water, Arthur's grey hair blowing in the wind as the longer blond hair of his son was tied back.

"Will you tell me about my name? And how you are magical when Grandfather hated magic? You have always said when I am older and I am about to take the throne. Why do you always come here?" they walked along the soft sand letting it get in between their toes as it molded under their bare feet.

Arthur looked to the water as he smiled sadly and his son squeezed his hand.

"There was a great sorcerer born to do great things. He was called Merlin...but druids called him Emrys. I loved him very much...and that is why you are called Emrys, because you are very much like him and I knew you would be the second your mother handed you to me." He said softly and closed his eyes feeling that warm feeling he got whenever he came here to speak with Merlin. "And the rest...well Merlin always did like to cause trouble..."

* * *

~Looks at empty bin and full tissue box~ Was it not that good then?


End file.
